So…2016 is here. And, I am here. And, you are here.
This is a big step, realizing just how magical and miraculous it is to be in the world. How did that sperm decide to fertilize that egg? How many years did it take to create an idea in my parent’s minds that I was important enough of a soul to try and keep trying until they were successful? Then, once born, how did I manage to survive?
My mother always mentioned just how hard it was for her to get pregnant with me. I always felt flippant about it, it seemed like a fable, a story that she told so that she could feel valued and I could feel guilty. But no–I know that now. She wanted to express just how valid I was…a conscious decision that she was making to bring life into the world. It is a feeling that I’d come to know only vaguely as I consciously rejected that role, opting for the life that I lead.
But what is this life that I lead? Well, it’s a lot of things that are not taught to you. And that’s where I wanted to start.
When people say, ‘Things have a way of sorting themselves out’ they don’t realize that other people are just sorting it out for them so they can believe that.
No one sits you down and tells you that you are grown-up. You don’t have your mommy and daddy sign a Permission Slip for your life. When it just happens, as with a host of other life experiences, you kind of just freak out…ah, Awareness. Suddenly, your life which you attributed to your parents is yours to do with as you wish. But, no one tells you how messy this is going to be nor how complex.
Then, two significant deaths happen. Confusion. Relief. Fear. What does this mean? Now, three years after, I know. I’ve lived it.
On this bright Sunday afternoon, I can say with certainty that there are a great many things that I’ve learned about myself. There are some shades of life-goals but none are too pressing at the moment.
Is That All There Is?
Yes and No. And, maybe? Uh, I dunno. I think so. Definitely. Um…I guess.
There are always improvements that can be made, so long as they are relevant and you are willing. But it’s always unfinished…until it’s not.
It’s kind of like at a dinner party that’s going really really well and everyone has already served themselves seconds and the food is almost gone…but there is that one piece of pie left and those that are full keep going on and on about how they couldn’t even eat that last bite…of course they couldn’t, shouldn’t!…but they keep eyeing it. Are you honest enough with yourself? Will you take the last piece of pie but worry about it going to your hips or thinking about how many miles you’re going to jog to work it off? Or, will you quickly snatch it before someone else and then quietly revel at the other’s misfortune, missing their opportunity to seize the last bite instead of you? Or, will you simply savor it knowing that you grabbed it because you wanted it and you are now enjoying it and that moment will happen for someone else…or not. You are eating it and it tastes good! Or, even though you want it choose not to grab it, so that someone else can enjoy it? Or, will you, without a second-thought not even notice the last piece at all?
I’ll admit that I still will complain about how fattening it is, but will seize the opportunity and grab it, loving the taste and my good fortune at getting the last piece. That’s where I am right now. But this may change and improve over time. I don’t know. I’m undone. I’m a work-in-perpetual-progress.
Life has gotten blessedly slower. I’m happier now. I relish my days at home with my dog, Cher. I pay attention. I like looking out my apartment windows to see nature. I pay particular attention to the squirrels and birds.
Misery on Broadway:
My sister, my mom and I wanted to see this play with Bruce Willis and Laurie Metcalfe. I am so glad we went! Had a blast and got to take some really cool pics…
Star Wars Month:
After a philosophical conversation with Yoda, I went back to the future to attend the renewal of Padme’s wedding vows to Anakin from the distant galactic future. It was awesome.
My sister won at a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors which resulted in a perfectly timed birthday celebration (a day before my 42nd birthday)! To up the ante, my sis bought us matching t-shirts. It was a great day!
I was privileged to meet the kind owner of Myzel’s Chocolate in NYC. Her small place on W 55th Street is where I tried sugar plums for the first time and where I bought arguably THE GREATEST CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES IN THE WORLD!!!!! I am so going back there…
Blessings and Joy and Peace to you this New Year and Beyond!!! ♡