Life: A Contradiction

OK, OK.
I was born a woman (which has its advantages and disadvantages). But, I may go ballistic (a la Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction”) if a man betrays me. I should model my homemaking skills after Martha Stewart. I should aspire to be as rich as Oprah. I should be as graceful as Audrey Hepburn, as mysterious as Jackie Onassis, and as warm as Princess Di. I can motivate reform (a la Sally Field’s performance of “Norma Rae”) but I will only earn 75 cents to every man’s dollar. I am supposed to be extremely nurturing and loving, even when having a bad day. I need to learn to juggle housework, homework, work-work and it helps if I could learn needlepoint. Health news says that when I get menopause I’ll go crazy so I should take some hormones; but natural herbs are probably better at treating my mood swings and hot flashes. Neither one can make those go away completely, though. I should have children to learn a thing or two about motherhood. I can’t drink coffee, but I can drink wine. I can’t eat chocolate, even though–some studies have shown–that it improves my mood. I should drink at least eight-glasses a day, but I should watch out for contaminated water; and, just because some water companies put the word, “spring” in their name, it doesn’t mean it’s actually fresh from a mountain spring.
I shouldn’t groom while driving, so applying lipstick in the rear-view mirror is a no-no. I shouldn’t file my nails at work or groom in public. I should smell like a Summer’s Eve in one area of my body only. Being hygenic means more than just flossing my teeth and combing my hair so now I am encouraged to wear scents that make me smell like a fruit (i.e. Kiwi or Mango) or smell like a bean (i.e. vanilla). “All natural” over-the-counter remedies can potentially ruin my body chemistry and may not be natural, after all. I should follow the pyramid chart of eating and follow the weight charts, only loosely, depending on my height. I should aspire to workout at least 3 times a week via pilates or yoga. It’s okay to use bath soap sparingly to prevent dryness. My face should be smoothe but not tight, supple but not wrinkled. I should avoid using bacterial soaps to bolster my immune system. I shouldn’t wear pointy-toed shoes or high heels to prevent sore feet and lower-back problems. I should drink 1% milk because pasteurized milk is harmful but milk’s supposed to do the body “good” and can help me fight osteoperosis. I can’t expose my breasts in public (even if I’m breast-feeding my child), unless I live in NYC. I should get a breast exam every year but could at any time be diagnosed with breast cancer. Since there is no cure, doctors could prescribe a host of drugs I may or may not respond to because they’ve never been tested on women (scientists argue that there are too many variables). It is customary for me to be a secretary, caregiver, bookkeeper, financial advisor every day of the week. I am expected to be yielding, versatile and nurturing (preferably while parading around like a Barbie-doll or Pamela Anderson–believe me, these two are one in the same). Mostly, my life is guided by a set of unwritten rules that I never agreed to. And to that I say…

What the–??? (You figure it out)

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About Mema

I've been at this blogging thing since 2005, but I don't consider myself a veteran AT ALL. My posts are mostly well-meaning, fun anecdotes with the occasional random thought and a dash of humor for good measure. So sit back, relax, and stay awhile. And if you decide to browse elsewhere, just remember...you're missing out on an opportunity to meet (arguably) THE GREATEST PERSON THAT EVER LIVED. Overstated? Well, why not stick around to find out? Your call, tough guy. Or, gal. Or, martian.
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One Response to Life: A Contradiction

  1. takecareanna says:

    yeah..i agree on what you’re saying..a gracious amount of expectations that we women-folk must face in our lives…but i think it’s all worth it..i wouldn’t change my sex for anything in the world..being a girl is so empowring in that we’ve come really far..but in reality we’re still far behind…being a girl helps me to see goals in a new sense that i MUST achieve them…yadda yadda , i could go on for years…old post, new comment, cheers ♥ anna.

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