In case my fans haven’t heard, there is such a thing as elevator ettiquette. How do I know? Well, believe it or not, our company once held a training seminar about it. Yeah, I know. But I actually did come away with something more than a seminar.
Allow me a quick digression here:
Man walks up to Woman and says, “Is this felt?”
Man proceeds to be all Cro-Magnon and starts touching Woman’s sleeve.
Then, he says, “…it is now.”
Cut and print.
Laughter ensues even though this was meant to be a serious video! No, really.
Back to the elevator topic. I mean, it really is important and useful to know these things. That way, you can tell your friends and they can tell their friends and so on and so on…
- Mommie, what are elevator eyes? – Well, honey, it’s when someone is being rude and perusing your very person by looking you up and down, up and down like an elevator. Get it? Well, it’s RUDE. So stop it.
- Get outta my way or I’ll mow you down! – Yes, some people still think it is alright to hit you with the force of a Mack truck just because you’re slow in getting in. Trust me, even if the person in front of you moves as slow as whale shit, YOU WILL GET TO YOUR FLOOR…eventually.
- It’s my turn to push the red, candy-like button – Just for clarification, a good indicator that the button has been pushed already is the glowing circular light at the center of it. That means, basically, that frequent incessant pushing/tapping/clicking of the button will not make the elevator appear any faster. Once pushed, it’s been registered. It’s not a mouse and therefore doesn’t require double-clicking. Review Diagram Below:
- Stop the world, I wanna get off! – For those unfortunates who are forced to take the elevator to the 2nd or 3rd floor, remember that you’re not browsing at the mall. No, this isn’t Ladies Lingerie or the Big and Tall Department. Just keep saying to yourself: ‘This is an elevator I’m riding. This is an elevator I’m riding.’ That way, when you get to your floor, you’ll remember to GET THE HELL OFF! I cannot tell you how many times I’ve got dazed and confused people going to the second floor, when I have to get off on the 10th!
- Hold the Door Please… – If someone is tripping over themselves racing to catch the elevator, please let them on. If you’re near the door, please press that nifty button that reads, “Door Open” NOT the “Door Close” button. These buttons were specially designed for you to save your soul. Stop faking hitting the button or God won’t let you into Heaven. Even if you’re athiest or agnostic: JUST HIT IT, ok?
- When is Holding the Door Not Cool? – If it’s 5 o’clock on a Friday and the means by which I can get home faster is by getting downstairs as quickly as possible, please DO NOT hold the door for a friend. Monday morning going to work? That’s ok. It just seems that people pick the most incovenient times to be gracious. Let’s face it: if you didn’t do it before, don’t try to redeem yourself at an inopportune time.
- Don’t hum to the Muzak – Even if the song is the muzak version of 50 cents’ “Everybody in the Club”, please don’t hum, sing or dance in the elevator. Unless, of course, you are me. But you’re not, so stop playin’.
- Moo-ve Over Cow! – As with letting people on, there is a certain finesse–a dance if you will–to letting people off. First, give them room to maneuver around you or just get out of the elevator so they can go on their merry way. Either way, try inconveniencing yourself to convenience others. You can get back at them another time.
- Keep It To A Low Roar – I don’t really want to hear about your boyfriend troubles or listen to the electronica music blaring on your earphones. Correction: I do want to hear about your boyfriend troubles, but that’s only ’cause I’m nosy.
- Don’t Release the Stink Bomb – I really didn’t want to mention this one, but it begs to be mentioned. If you feel a rumble in your stomach and you know you had a taco for lunch, please hold your body’s functions until your floor. Don’t get on if you can’t hold it. Please.