Dear Britney Spears,
Congratulations, Britney on dropping your baby! You have managed to endanger your child's life for the second time in a row (not a small feat). Hold onto your hat because what I am about to offer you will BLOW YOU AWAY! Now that you have officially been reported to the authorities, wouldn't you love to have a keepsake that could mark this special occasion for you and your child, Sean Preston? This is not just some random letter from Child Protective Services or a useless internet song from your husband, K-Fed. This is an opportunity to record this moment for a lifetime. But just in case you aren't convinced, here's a testimonial from others just like you:
Courtney Love: "I dealt with Kurt's death by throwing myself on a lawn for a photo-op. Little did I know that that vigil could've gone unnoticed, overlooked and forgotten forever! It was hard, y'know selling Kurt's music. It was also hard having to deal with the court over my own daughter, Francis Bean. I'm a good fucking mom. I am. So this was the best way to prove it to the judge and Dave Grohl and everybody that I care for my kid!"
Michael Jackson: "Before all of those ignorant people had said all of those horrible things about me and Blanket, I decided that I needed to do something. After I received this in the mail, Little Prince loved it and told me so from behind his mask. I love my chil'run so much!"
Yes, for a small fee, you could go ahead join the ranks of poor parenting! Britney, you may be wondering what gift could contain such a wonderfully precious moment? Well, look no further! Allow us to send you this lovely, finely painted cardboard cigar box. But wait! Your luck does not stop there. Because the cigar box is not filled with cigars. No. But before you decide, Britney, know that your baby will not have anything more sophisticated. No rhinestone-covered teething ring can compare to the classy, sleek bottle of Jack Daniels waiting inside! What could something like this cost, you may ask? Relax. You can afford it, Britney, even with the sliding sales of your husband's CD. Please tear off the bottom of this message and send a check for $200,000 to: "JD in A Case" c/o The Mema13 Fund. Remember, the box can be personalized and can come in two colors: pink and blue, of course!
Don't let the chance of a lifetime pass you by. Please, just send it as soon as possible because…c'mon! (I could use the cash!)