The Battle for a state of Independence…
Annoncer – Welcome everyone to the battle for the title of King of the Garden State.
Well this post has been a long time coming. A resident of the latter and now writing to you from the former, it is going to be a rough and tumble fight for the right to Paaaarrrtttaaayyyyyy!!!!
Announcer – In this corner, wearing red trunks and weighing in at an astounding 225 pounds: the home of The Brawler, the Captain of the Cons, the Maven of the Mafia…Bayonne, NEW JERSEY!!!!!!!!!
Announcer – And in this corner, the underdog in this fight, sporting the blue trunks and weighing in at just over 170 pounds soaking-wet: the Streetwise Soprano, the Deadly Dukes of Danger, a trip down Nathan Lane’s memory…Jersey City, NEW JERSEY!!!!!!!!
*crowd cheers again*
Now, everyone give a Jersey welcome (hold your spit, please) to Referree, Skip Stone!!!!
Skip – Now, I want a good clean fight. Any excessive holding or hitting below the belt is cause for disqualification. I want you to heed my instructions at all times. Gentleman, tap gloves and good luck!
*Bayonne & JC tap politely*
*ding, ding, ding*
Announcer – Two heavyweights in the tough inner-city, I’ll tell ya. It’s important to note that these two towns are like brothers from two different mothers. Close in proximity but–oh, nelly!–are they different in their ways of life! What better day than today, while the nation celebrates their Independence than to brawl for it all? Now it’s been said that Jersey City is the bastard child and that Bayonne is full of itself, but only one champion will come out alive. Who will win? Who will suffer defeat and cry all the way home to mother?! Let’s watch…
Announcer – And it begins, folks…Why just the other day I was speaking to JC and here’s what he said about this fight…
Announcer (interviewing) – You and your brother have always had a friendly war of words for years. Why take the sibling rivalry so far?
JC – Because I always felt like I was my brother’s keeper. I don’t feel dat way no more. All our lives, we had disagreements about manners and such. But etiquette was never my forte. Normally, I got into the ring and did my thing, y’know what I mean? Now, it’s like I gotta teach my kid brutha a lesson…one he’ll never forget.
Announcer – So what was it about Independence Day?
JC – I don’t mean to brag, but I always felt that it was betta to burn fireworks on the 4th of July than to get drunk at a barbecue. It’s just like my brutha ta misunderstan’ da nature o’ the day, y’know?
*end of clip*
Announcer – There you have it, folks. A bitter feud that maybe started in utero. But I also had the opportunity to speak to Bayonne, who oddly enough didn’t have much to say…
Announcer – Your brother had a lot to say about this fight. Is there anything that you would like to tell him?
Bayonne – No.
Announcer – JC said that he felt as though he were, and I quote: “my brother’s keeper”. Do you have anything to say about that?
Bayonne (looking annoyed) – No.
Announcer – Is there anything you would like to say to the public now that you’ve agreed to meet your brother this July 4th in the “Battle for Independence”?
Announcer – …A man of few words.
Bayonne (shooting up in his chair) – I don’t need no words. I’m all action. See ya in da ring, bro.
Announcer – And it looks as though our fighters are ready to duke it out and settle the score. Bayonne has been cocky all week, snubbing all reporters and avoiding any type of publicity while Jersey City has made it on every sport’s cover all month long. It’s time to find out whether it was all worth it. Oh, both fighters appear to be dancing around the ring but it’s Bayonne who throws the first punch…a light right jab and…oh, what a quick left by JC, but Bayonne is stable. JC is a fighter who’s light on his feet and has been known to dance around his opponents before…oh! Another left hook from JC but Bayonne isn’t shaken. He appears to be determined to ruin his brother and…what’s this? The post has grown long?!