Today is an unseasonably warm day in a series of unseasonably warm days. Some years ago, some people actually said that due to the startling changes in the Earth’s atmosphere or something, we were supposedly heading towards the next Ice Age? When’d that change? Oh, some polar ice caps melting…right. But, I guess I’d never put those ideas to mind. I’d just assumed that if the next Ice Age were to come upon me, then I’d totally be prepared for it. While heading off to work in the chilly mornings here, I’ve been known to get hit from three winds since the town where I live now is near three separate bodies of water: the Kill Van Kull, New York Harbor (entrance to Hudson River) and Newark Bay. When the winds converge they get you on all sides–which is why it always feels colder here than in JC. Or rather brrr, brrr, brrr! It’s cold here!
Disney Doesn’t Do Warming:
Just think a moment about the terminology. The term “Ice Age” sounds so much more interesting than “Global Warming”, doesn’t it? I guess that’s why those globe-huggers at Disney didn’t think to use that title for a movie. I mean, Disney’s already tackled desert settings in both The Lion King and Aladdin. What new characters could frolic in a sun-drenched hell-hole? Sasha, the sunburned mermaid? Pito, the perspiring pit-bull? I think not.
My Extra Lard Is Ice-Age Friendly:
I think that I’d almost relish in an Ice Age–the big, baggy sweaters, the hot choco, those fuzzy little ski-caps with the pom-poms on the end. Doesn’t that sound better than shorts, sticky armpits, and the drops of constant sweat (that missed your eyebrows) hitting your stinging, watery eyes? I thought so. So yeah, winter…bring it on, bitch! East Coast is so not even prepared for global warming. Dude, I just go on vacation to the Caribbean and the heat when I get off of the plane is like a slap in the face! I personally am not even built to handle extended periods of time with no indoor pool or nozzle to cool off with. For big girls, like myself, the thought of carrying my extra layers of fat in the staggering heat is not at all what I’m ready for. For a week’s vacation? Yes. For a millennia? No.
More Popsicles, Please:
Just think what life would be like in a cold world. For the first time since the Renaissance, women all over the world would be admired and envied for the extra meat on their bones. Hey, it could happen. Cosmo and Vogue would be replaced by issues of “Round” and “Eating Well, Lady”. Men would be falling all over themselves to find a nice, hefty, strong woman who could withstand the next winter freeze. The price of wood would go up as people shop for more and more homes with chimneys. Imagine it, people. A world of plus-size models who eat everything on their plates. A world of chunky bedonkedonks everywhere…
But alas, it is not to be. If Gore and all of the world scientists are correct, then global warming is imminent. So longer days and hideously thin women will prevail. Figures. It’s always about figures.