In the it-only-happens-to-me category, something that I am notoriously known for: a wardrobe malfunction. Whether it’s getting a giant red stain on the front of my new white shirt or having a button pop off in the most inopportune location, I am that person who’s fashion faux pas are numerous.
So this time, I’m at work and I’d just gotten in. My habit to turn on the computer requires me to bend and as I did so, I noticed the undeniably large rip in the seam riding up the inner thigh of my pants. Of course it was no small rip, this rip was akin to the Grand Canyon. It would be unmistakable if I let it go.
My mind ponders to many different solutions when a crisis such as this one comes up. I mean, I really start to think: well, I can go home. That, however was not an option because in the time it took to do that, I’d miss half the business day and, really, what’d be the point? I’m hourly. So, then I started to picture the fact that maybe I’d have to call Carlos who could take the train and meet me, but he was busy running a super important errand and was unavailable that morning. I managed to call him anyway, in my frantic worry voice, and he assured me that there’d be a delay but that he could swing by the house after the errand…but it’d take too much time. Just then, I remembered that this had happened to me once before and I did happen to have a sewing kit at the front desk which I believed was still there. The problem? The girl at the front desk couldn’t locate it which meant somebody actually took it home. Ugh! So I reached into my meager change purse, because I don’t like carrying cash with me to work, and I searched through there. I was hoping to have enough to be able to afford a replacement sewing kit from the shop in the lobby.
In the end, I bought the sewing kit, skulked to the nearest bathroom and proceeded to battle with the string that kept tangling and re-tangling over and over until I finally finished repairing my pants. Thank goodness for sewing kits and the people who made them.
Thanks For The Inventions:
All of this got me to thinking about all of the things that I’m thankful for having been invented.
1. Scrunchies – These little bands of elastic with colorful material around them have saved me from massive bad-hair days. The invention is so simple I wonder how I managed to overlook creating these. I missed out on millions….
2. Sticky Notes – So you need to jot down a quick note but don’t want to use a notepad? No problem. Just stick up these temporary notes and message delivered. It’s easier than waiting around to tell the person. They also come in great colors so humans don’t get bored.
3. Maxis with Wings & Glide Applicators – What did women ever do without these? Itch their damn butts off (literally).
4. Microwaves – I didn’t do good in science so I have no idea what microwaves are or how to generate them. I just know that I can “nuke” whatever I want to eat on the go and don’t have to worry about pre-heating an oven. Yum!
5. Blogs – The place where random thoughts go. Now I don’t have to carry these ideas around with me like a hairshirt. Halleluyah!
6. Internet – Saddam Hussein’s hanging, that SNL skit and a Chinese new recipe can all be found on the internet. Now if only they can invent something that thinks for you too…
7. Cell Phones – Where you at, man? Now I know.
Things that I’m not happy were invented:
1. Credit Cards – I never bought a trip to Patagonia! Yeah, but if someone has duplicated your card, they can say you did. That’s why I hate, hate, hate credit cards. If I don’t check my monthly statement closely, I could be paying for services that were inadvertently charged to me in error. Also, it makes money too fluid and sooner than you know it, you’re thousands of dollars in debt (all because you wanted to try that George Foreman grill and forgot all about it until the bill).
2. GPS Tracking Device – Do I really need to know your exact location 24/7? If I’m that obsessive, perhaps I should be a private detective.
3. Caller Blocker, Caller ID & *69 – If I want to avoid speaking to my Aunt Tilly, then maybe it can be considered a good invention. But if I’m calling someone who refuses to take my calls and tracks every call I’ve made, then it is the suckiest invention known to man. I also hate restricted lines because nobody knows who’s calling and it just works against the reason we use the telephone in the first place. Reach out and touch someone…else.
4. Car Alarms – Recently, I was shopping and heard a car actually say, “Attention, this car is backing up” over and over. Now, when your car talks to you and states the obvious, it is worse than that idiot who tells you the whole plot of a movie before you see it. Alarms that make annoying noises at three in the morning also don’t serve any purpose other than to foster a secret wish that a car would get “jacked” to stop that infernal beeping!!!
5. Video Cameras – Surveillance in department stores make sense. Surveillance to record stupid pet tricks and have them posted on YouTube, is stupid. A camera setup in undercover stings to prove injustices is fine. A camera setup to record an annoying brat at her sweet sixteen birthday party to be shown ad nauseum to her relatives in a permanent loop forEVER is stupid.
6. Cell Phone Ringtones – Does anyone really need a “Mr. Roboto” ringtone? How about a DMX bass-pumping song download? That “Mission Impossible” theme is horrific after the first billion times hearing it. Puh-lease, people! You’re not cool. At. All.
7. Keys – Are they necessary? Sure. Can they be extremely counter-productive and annoying? Yes. Hotel rooms have card keys that make me sick and work depending on whether or not it reads properly in the lock. Lucky me, it never reads properly. And nothing’s more annoying than being locked out of your own apartment. Unfortunately, there isn’t any better way to protect ones belongings or to gain access to a building unless we can do that retinal scanning thing and that would probably be annoying too.
It’s been said before and is worth saying again: “Necessity is the mother of invention.” So put your thinking caps on, kids. Find a better way.