Picture this: a million degrees below zero and I’m shivering at the bus stop. I am standing next to a young girl about half my age (I can’t believe that I’m at an age that I can now say that) and two boys. Sipping my coffee, the two boys get a sudden urge to spit. That’s right, you heard correct. S-P-I-T. A lot. The girl turns to me after one particularly disgusting display and says, “Maybe we should do that…to keep warm.” Then, she and I laughed and rolled our eyes. But wait! This story isn’t over. Not by a longshot (pardon the pun). You see, whilst coming home on the bus (on the same day, no less) I was met with a particularly rambunctious group of three young men swapping war stories. Typical fare. And while they were a bit on the boisterous side, their banter was okay. UNTIL IT CAME TO THE PARTY BOY BACK-IN-THE-OLE COLLEGE-DAYS STORIES. Oh yes, I was going to bear silent witness to the colorful conversation about every body function known to man, all without my consent. Every bowel movement, vomit tale, and embarrassing moment all for my amusement. But, rather than give up my seat and bear standing on an already crowded train, I endured the onslaught even though my chagrin must’ve been easy to detect. Y’know…straight frown, large glaring eyes, pout. But apparently, these idiots were enjoying themselves so much, they didn’t even notice. Ugh!
Now, I’m not a prude. I’ve experienced some really gross things in my day. Most of the time, though, the offense is so small. Usually it’s the lady on the train who’s trimming her nails or applying makeup, contorting her face into all of these grossly unpleasant ways. But those are the tamer moments. Truthfully, we’ve all caught people when they thought no one was looking doing some pretty ill things. Remember: “Hey look! A Mets fan!” as man is digging into his nostril. Haha! Good times.
But seriously, people need to stop involving innocents in their potty conversations. No one really wants to hear that. Unless you’re among friends and you’re all so drunk it won’t matter because you won’t remember half of what you guys said anyway. It kinda reminds me of MTV’s The Real World. In the beginning of the show, each cast member reads the rules and one section says, “…when people stop being polite and start getting real.” What the hell does that mean? In order to be real you have to be impolite??? I don’t get it. Realness should not force anyone into a situation where their forced to see your worst. There’s a reason why bathrooms are often marked “Private”, why spit is in your mouth and not oozing from your pores. It’s intended not to be shared. So, please keep those private moments, well, private. OK? OK.