Alienated by your peers for calling someone the “N-Word”?
Confused by your parents with their “Rules”?
Hooked on Phonics?
Well, look no further ’cause we’ve got a solution for you….it’s called Rehab! That’s right. Rehab’s no longer for junkies or hookers anymore. Nosiree!
- Diarrhea of the Mouth? Go to Rehab!
- Ashamed of your Penis Size? Go to Rehab!
- Post-pardum shaving of your head? Go to Rehab!
- Afraid of food? Go to Rehab!
- Afraid of large crowds? Go to Rehab!
There’s nothing that Rehab can’t cure. It is the new catch-all for any ailment, misgiving, or shortcoming. Rehab can’t get you a job, it can’t get you a diamond ring, but it can get you help. Why, you may ask? Because everything is marketable, excusable and tolerable. We’ve got the cure for teen angst, alcoholism, sexual addiction, paranoia, schizophrenia, confusion and random acts of insanity! But wait, there’s more…
Can’t afford to spend too many long hours in conventional therapy? No problem. We can grant you the right to leave the premises unsupervised for extended periods of time! Annoyed by paparazzi? Not a problem there. We can provide personal drivers to chaffeur you in and out of our facilities. Pesky friends calling you incessantly on your blackberry? We can provide closed-off locations where you won’t be hounded all the time. Our staff is happy to be of service. In some special cases, we can be your enabler! We’ll maintain your secrets and, so long as we get paid, we can even do your laundry (all while you are undergoing frivolous and absolutely useless therapy). But wait, there’s more…
For repeat offenders: very affordable semi-permanent housing can be arranged. No more wondering “where to crash” after a night of underaged alcohol and drug binges–that’s for sure! We take the work-weary, the spoiled, the just plain nuts! NO JUDGEMENT, NO LECTURES, NO SENSE.
So, take a break from life and come down to Rehab. You’re home away from home…