I emailed the following list to my ‘best’ friend since the 7th grade. She’s Yugoslavian, although I’m not sure what that means politically now. I just don’t know enough about her country. Anyway, she was the person who always said that she’d never get married (Check!) and never have kids (Uh, she has TWO!) because she always thought she’d never meet anyone who’d love her. Ugh! But when she asked me for an update on my life, I really had to sit down for a minute to think. When I look back at my life, it seems to be a series of personal triumphs and tribulations that read much like a dime-store novel. Rather than get all nostalgic (as I’m prone to do) or paint myself in some ridiculously positive light (as I’m not prone to do) I went toward the easier route: humor. I guess that’s always easier than breaking down and crying your eyes out, rolled into a ball on the bathroom floor, right? Right.
So here was my very
clever comical response:
Not much to report. Here’s the skinny–
1) I’m making a lot of moolah but can’t spend it on
anything yet because of the huge debt I have courtesy
of credit cards.
2) Carol insists on emailing me those corny jokes
that pass around a billion times and were funny, like
ONCE (if ever).
3) Carlos is still getting weaker and sicker but
probably won’t die just to spite God.
4) Bear sheds like a beast. I could make a mountain
out of his dog hair…a la Close Encounters of the
5) Lady’s new name is “Old Lady” because she’s not
only older, but crankier and slower.
6) I tired of Sara’s typical bouts of teen angst and
the occasional overwhelming stupidity that only
teenagers with ADD can command. So I threw her out of
the house (again)…it’s a little game we play.
7) Last week, my Boss asked me to obey the company
“dress code”, which I thought I’d never hear again
8) I ordered Chinese and the fortune cookie made more
sense than most people when it read: “Enjoy Life! It
is better to be happy than wise.” Why oh why didn’t I
listen to the fortune cookie sooner? I’d of never
gone to hs, been rich and living as a Queen in
Patagonia by now.
9) Ming still won’t ring the thing.
10) Who the hell is Obba Bubbatunde anyway?
11) Jennifer Hudson still won an Oscar.
6, “teen angst”)
13) Anna Nicole is better off dead what with all the
vultures swirling around her life!
14) Mom, Eli and I went shopping and actually had fun.
15) My Dad made me laugh on the phone with his “new”
job: telling people to obey the “No Smoking” sign at a
rest station. He especially loves to throw the
intimidating fine rates. Oooh…$250 dollars…scary!
16) The repair shop I sent my now defunct car to has
been holding my license plates hostage.
But whatever. It’s still fun getting up in the
And oh, god, it’s TRUE. All of it. So spark up another owl, take a deep breath and mull over your Soduku puzzle. It can’t get any better and it can’t get any worse people. IT JUST CAN’T.