Proud To Be Your Bud, or, Tonight Is Kinda Special:

When the evening’s early, above the sound of local crickets chirping, there’s a harpy screaming at the top of her drunken lungs.  That was last night: piss and vinegar (the day before it was only vinegar).  The mayhem began with a whole lot of threats, cursing and regular rowdiness where sounds like this can be heard any day of the week.  The bar is a regular haven for mayhem which “yes, yes, y’all it don’t stop until the break of dawn”, even on weekdays.  The skirmishes, the rough-housing and the overall sloppiness provide endless hours of entertainment as the regulars duke it out, engaging in all sorts of deviant behavior in and around the neighborhood.  But on this night, there was a yelling redhead sans shoes barking at her ex-boyfriend and his new love interest.  The latter had returned after mouthing off to bring her daughter into the action so it could be a complete three-way catfight.  Eventually, the cops arrived and began to calm the lady down.  The ex, new girlfriend and daughter had retreated to their home (much like roaches in the light), leaving the drunken idiot outside explaining the situation in her half-threat, half-slurred speech.  Here are a few gems: 

Redhead – “But, Officer, he threatened my daughter!  And when you…man, when he hung that letter on my door…”

Officer – “You saw him leave a threatening letter on your door?”

Redhead – “No.  But it was his handwriting and he should consider himself lucky because…I’m sorry Officer, but I’m so upset because when you threaten my daughter, then you got problems.”

Officer – “Ma’am?  Ma’am, calm down.  I’m trying to follow you, ok?”

Redhead – “Ok.  Ok.  But when you go and do…and he threatened my daughter’s life too!  He wrote that he’d kill her on the letter and…”

Officer – “So you or somebody saw him doing this?”

Redhead – “I know it’s him.  I know, see? And–” (yelling) “she ain’t nothin’ but white trash anyways…”

Officer – “Ma’am?  Where are your shoes?”

Oh, I’m trying not to be judgmental, you understand, but when some woman is calling another woman “white trash” but doesn’t have any shoes on and is not really coherent, I’d say that the whole scene doesn’t work to her advantage.  After several attempts, the policeman finally got the woman to admit the reason why she was even in the area:

Redhead – “This is my street!  I’ve lived in this neighborhood for years!  This is my neighborhood and I can walk wherever I want to walk, goddamn it!”

Officer – “Yeah, but you don’t even live around here.”

Redhead – “I live a few block away…”

Then, the foot-in-mouth diseased woman continued with these lines:

Redhead – “I don’t even care…this” (pointing to a disheveled woman standing next to her) “this here’s my friend and I don’t care!  She’ll bail me out because that woman’s gonna get her ass kicked tonight.”

Ofiicer – “You can’t threaten her in front of me, ma’am.”  

Redhead – “I’m sorry.  I just don’t wanna lie to youse.  I am definitely gonna kick his and her ass and I don’t care if I go to jail.  I’ll be out in five hours anyway.  It doesn’t matter, you understand because you can’t just go and threaten my daughter and get away with it…”

Officer – “Ok.  Let me get this straight: you don’t care if you get arrested but who’ll take care of your daughter then?  You say you’re concerned about your daughter but you can’t help her if your in jail, right?”

Redhead – “I don’t give a shit, Officer.  I really don’t.  I’m sorry for cursing by the way.  So he can just threaten my daughter?”

Officer – “No, but I think you should go home and sleep this off.”

Redhead – “No.  He’s gonna get his ass kicked!  I’m not gonna lie, Officer.”

Officer – “How much have you had to drink, ma’am?”

Redhead – “You see?  You see that bastard’s laughing at me and that whore…I’m gonna beat her ass because they’re both threatening my daughter!  Do you see them??”

Officer – “Ma’am, didn’t I arrest you last weekend?”

Redhead – “Yeah.  Yeah.”

Officer – “So that doesn’t make any sense.  Go home to your daughter.”

After about 20 minutes of the readhead’s cyclical reasoning, the Officer managed to get her to leave.  Oh, but the night was young.  She returned an hour later, this time with more friends who were instigating a fight.  There was hooting and hollering and the daughter stepped out, walked to her car and drove off, but not before giving the Redhead the middle-finger.  Redhead, on foot, continued to harrass her ex and his new love until in a bold and incomprehensible move, called the cops ON HERSELF! That was just beautiful.

Officer – “Didn’t I send you home?  Do you want to go to jail tonight?”

Redhead – “I called you because he continues to threaten me and my daughter.  I told you that these folks’ll bail me out and I’ll be out in five hours anyway.”

Officer – “You won’t be out in five hours.”

Redhead – “Yes, yes I will because they got the bail money all set.”

The two other drunken weirdos stood by the Redhead doing the dance stance you see in Michael Jackson’s Beat-It video.

Officer – “Nothing’s gonna happen tonight because you’re gonna calm down and go home.”

Redhead – “Oh, no I’m not! Is it alright for him to just get away with this?”

Officer – “Ma’am we have no proof that he ever threatened your daughter.”

Redhead – “I got proof!  You want proof?  He left the note on my door!  I’ll show youse.”

Officer – “Just go home and get some rest and don’t cause no trouble tonight.  Ok?”

After some more convincing the woman finally left for the evening.  What a show though!

Now, just about every day you can catch the wafting fumes of cigarette smoke and potential controlled substances floating in the backyard or the musical stylings of the caterwauling crew singing such contemporary songs as Coldplay’s “Spies”, anything by The Rolling Stones, or “Bye, Bye Miss American Pie”.  Sometimes the boisterous gang of alcoholics sing in unison about friendship, love and life. That is, when they’re not screaming at each other or threatening violence.  Here’s to good times, tonight is kinda special…

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About Lisa Perez

Lisa M. Perez is a published poet, editor, copywriter, public speaker and artist. The co-creator of the first ever ArtSpace in Jersey City, member of IUOMA (International Union of Mail Artists), and administrator for an online Mail Art group, Lisa supports the arts and advocates for creativity. Her successful, Art Journal and "Notes from my Brain" series are ongoing projects that evolve with the artist. In addition to being an active blogger since 2005, Lisa scripts and edits copy for various online articles and videos. In September 2017, she was a guest-speaker and virtually chaired a YOGA Recovery meeting. In her spare time, Lisa studies, reads, and creates while maintaining a day job in a STEM field and being a full-time fur-mommy to her shih-tzu, Cher.
This entry was posted in Nothing To See Here., That's All Folks..., Wasteland, Angst, and Other Good News. Bookmark the permalink.

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