It was a good break. Breathing time and time to every purpose under Heaven. But I really gotta get this one out: I ended the feud…again. Imagine it like holding onto a stuffed animal far longer that you know you should. It’s moldy, it’s dirty, it’s dusty but you still hold onto it for dear life hoping that it will offer some solace, some respite. Then one day, you realize that something’s gotta give. That’s the way these past few weeks have been. I keep on holding tight to my values, my morals, my ideals even when they prove to be far more detrimental than they should be, than they need to be. So I decided that I would cast that nighted color off and look as if a friend on Jersey. Or, that is if Shakespeare lived here as I do.
As Enigo Montoya would say: Lemme ‘splain–no, there is too much. Lemme sum up
I’ve been kinda hurt by a series of events. All of them have to do with figuring out whether it’s worth defending myself or not. My heritage was questioned, my inter-personal relationships were troubled, and the very essence of my being was on trial. I lingered, oh, how I did linger. But then, I made a concerted effort to let it go. Even though I still remain unfulfilled and cast-adrift, I no longer feel the need to explain what makes me feel this way. At least, not to anyone but myself and Carl. Isolation is a very interesting island to be on and sometimes I find myself spalunking in an attempt to find some meaningful understanding that exists only in my mind. I’m too much of a control freak to allow sleeping dogs to just lie. I’d be the one standing over the dog crying, “Wake up! Wake up!” while it barely moves a muscle to acknowledge my existence. So there you have it: I have to lighten up.
When In Doubt, Have Some Eats
In order to prove to myself that there were no hard feelings with myself, I decided to re-connect with some old colleagues on LinkedIn, and had a very moving lunch. It was wonderful to meet up with two friends who were really cool and down-to-earth. They divulged mutual feelings which reinforced for me the fact that no one is safe from boredom and disconnection these days. I learned a lot from them and they seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. We ate at a local eatery and I took longer than my lunch hour (with a meal which I thought was just, ‘eh’) but the company made up for the shortcomings. I expect way too much. Hence, my aforementioned control issues.
Reconnection: “Check”. Forgiveness: “Check”. Check Please: “Check”.
Since I was on the verge of serious meltdown, I realized that I had grown tired of just caring and sharing with Carl. He seemed sympathetic but was obviously over it. So I had nowhere to turn…except my crazy family. What’s left of it. So I returned to the two broads who know me the most and not at all: my mom and my sis. Seemed like it’d be the last place I’d turn given our erratic history but it also seems suitable because we’re so mind-numbingly different and opinionated that no one can shut us up even if they tried. It proved to be a fruitful meeting so long as I kept the details of my life with Carl limited. Mom was surprisingly less judgemental and Eli was well, Eli. She has managed to become a decent driver, who doesn’t seem to fear the road as much as we fear it for her (especially when she has minor bouts with road-rage) but overall, I feel safer with her than I do with Carl so I guess it’s ok. I haven’t yet conquered my driving phobia but maybe will change my mind now that my mom and Eli have joined the driving masses. I think I still hold steadfast to my old fears because again, I can control those. Did I already mention that I’m a control freak? *ahem*
The Three Amigas. The Triplets. The Majestic Mahem. The Three Little Pigs. Whatever you call us, we manage to stay together despite our radical differences. I’m still surprised at how we look alike even when time and trouble have beaten us down. Still, my Dad is never far from my thoughts and I often wish he lived closer so I could also indulge in picturesque Kodak moments with him, but well…I can’t always get what I want. Control freak be damned!