Stop With The Ticking…A Woman’s Biological Nightmare

Seems like a bunch of people I know are having babies.  They are insanely happy with talking about the sex and decorating and preparing and diaper genies.  I am so NOT even remotely involved in caring about this subject only because…babies freak me out.  There.  I’ve said it.  And it’s not like I’m going to go ballistic everytime I hear about the miracle of childbirth or anything, but I just can’t understand why a woman would want to spit out a brat that will eventually cite them for every little thing they’ve done wrong since the day of their birth.  I also don’t get the cozy, fuzzy, warm feeling that women gush about…women with kids.  It’s almost like a club that a single woman in her thirties must belong to lest she be considered a spinster for the rest of her life.  You know: the annoying side-glances that the married-with-children give singles as though you are just some sort of sad pathetic loser who hasn’t yet come to know the greatness of the GIFT OF LIFE.  I personally think that this is really a crock; a method by which marrieds can manipulate others into sharing the hellishness of their own regretful existence.  Almost as if they want to dupe you into experiencing their misery firsthand because they secretly loved their single lives and finally succumbed under familial pressure and now want to pass this merciless horror onto you to make themselves feel better about a choice that they can no longer take back.  Yeah.  Well, I see no reason to add this dimension into my life because of the following reasons:

  1. I Don’t Like Responsibility – I am barely responsible for myself and I’m learning that adding another human being into that equation would make me nuts.
  2. Children Grow Up – In the beginning, I’m sure I’d be the bee’s knees and all, but eventually, the kid will grow up to blame me for their childhood and ask to be divorced from me (citing: Irreconcilable Differences).
  3. I Like Sleep – From time to time, I am extremely lazy and don’t even want to take the dogs out.  Imagine not changing a baby’s diaper or forgetting to feed the baby?  And seriously…crying babies aren’t my thing.
  4. Other Young Parents Are Miserable – I see the wonder and the magic that eventually fades when a young person realizes how much babies cost and how unprepared they are to be a parent.  Anyone who says that they are completely ready are rich with live-in nannies and au pairs.
  5. Could I Ever Play Good Cop, Bad Cop (Without Laughing Out Loud)? – There is never a happy medium.  Either the parent is overindulgent, or diabolically strict.  I don’t want to have to choose.
  6. I Would Not Be Able To Handle The Mimicking Stage – Years ago, there was this neighborhood kid who used to repeat everything I said.  That neighborhood kid stopped doing it when I smashed it’s face in with a toy truck.
  7. I’ll Take Cursewords for $200, Alex – Yeah.  I can’t stop myself from cursing like a sailor every chance I get.  Can you imagine being told by your own kid, “Well, mommy does it. Why can’t I?”  It’s a compelling argument and as a parent, I’d have to give it to the kid.  So, there goes politeness in grade school.
  8. Um, All My Eggs Have Dried Up – It would have to be an immaculate conception at this point.
  9. Mini-Me Was Cute In Austin Powers – But in real life?  Seriously?  C’mon!
  10. I Would Drive The Child Mad – Mad I tell you!  Mad!  Mad!! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

So let’s just say something funny like, I wouldn’t want to be de-flowered.  Or, no one should visit my precious garden but me.  Um, except.  Eww.  Bad imagery.  But I just don’t see me starting any baby books ever.  Never ever?  Nope. Forever, never.  Not that there’s anything wrong with a woman who finds parenting a mysterious treasure-trove of Cosmic greatness that makes her at one with the universe or anything.  Good for her who does.  Kudos and all of that.  Just as long as that Mother of the Earth is not me. So be fruitful and give birth all ye who can and will! I don’t mind being an auntie, just as long as I can come home to my idiosyncratic blog rants and late night munchie attacks in front of the tv.  Don’t think that eerie tv glow would serve as a good night-light for an infant.


About Lisa Perez

Lisa M. Perez is a published poet, editor, copywriter, public speaker and artist. The co-creator of the first ever ArtSpace in Jersey City, member of IUOMA (International Union of Mail Artists), and administrator for an online Mail Art group, Lisa supports the arts and advocates for creativity. Her successful, Art Journal and "Notes from my Brain" series are ongoing projects that evolve with the artist. In addition to being an active blogger since 2005, Lisa scripts and edits copy for various online articles and videos. In September 2017, she was a guest-speaker and virtually chaired a YOGA Recovery meeting. In her spare time, Lisa studies, reads, and creates while maintaining a day job in a STEM field and being a full-time fur-mommy to her shih-tzu, Cher.
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