Here’s what I heard (taking artistic license and reading between the lines):
No more tax breaks for the rich. Cut excessive spending. Lots of big, scary figures like: 400 billion, 18 billion, 300 billion. Ear-something or other that’s bad spending. Really, really bad spending. Iraq. Afghanistan. Support our Troops.
But enough about all of that boring platform stuff. Why not make this a little more fun and see the debate through my eyes, hm?
McCain: I’m a veteran, Barack. So there!
Obama: Well, I unlike you, am making history.
McCain: I’m old. Get off my lawn ya dang Negro!
Obama: Do we have to go right to the name-calling?!
McCain: You weren’t in ‘nam like I was…
Obama: I didn’t get captured either.
McCain: Now wait a guldarned minute, young man! I’ll have you know that when I was in the Hanoi pit of hell, all I thought about was saving my father’s watch…and the one place I knew I could hide it was, well, my ass–
Obama (interrupting): Wait a minute! Wait just one…
McCain: –So I held it up there…
Obama: I’ve heard that one before. That was in a movie, Senator.
McCain: No, it was NOT!
Obama: Yes, yes. I believe it was in the movie, Pulp Fiction.
McCain: Well fine. You caught me. But when I was imprisoned, I didn’t whine like a little sissy girl. I also didn’t go cryin’ to my mama about it either.
Obama: Now that was just a cheap shot. Don’t you–
McCain (tauntingly): What?
Obama: –say anything about my mama.
McCain: Oh yeah? Well, you’re mama’s so ugly–
Obama: Senator, this is completely uncalled for!
McCain: –that he moved to Africa to get away from her.
Obama: Now, you see! That does it!
Obama lunges at McCain and Jerry Springer bodyguards pop out of nowhere to pry the men apart.
Obama (swiping the air): I told you never to say anything bad about my mama!
McCain: Your mama, huh? Well, I know these things are facts. The reason I know? I was with her LAST NIGHT!
Obama grabs McCain by the tie and proceeds to strangle him. McCain, unable to lift his arms further than his waist, keeps going for body shots that do not seem to hurt Obama. As the scuffle ensues, a broad, creepy-grandpa smirk spreads across McCain’s face. Obama, noticing, turns to him and says, “What’s so damned funny?”
McCain responds, “My poll ratings just went up!”
Now that’s a debate worth watching!