The fall is almost officially over and the cold winter is starting to show itself more readily. I look out of my windows and see the brilliant reds and golds turning the world gray and brown: the colors of death. I am reminded once again of the two lives I lost two years ago. But time indeed heals all of those old wounds and I find myself completely at peace about it. It doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally feel that twinge of sadness, rather, the underlying understanding of why these events happened and the far-reaching extended arms of the love that was produced provides a roundness to my life. I’ve become aware that the length of a human life does not constitute the depth nor the breadth of it.
This is my birthday week which also brings about a new understanding that I am no longer a young chippy. Just the other day, I actually hurt my back from a workout that was not all that rigorous. I can feel the creak in my bones, the jiggle flab of hanging skin and the tautness in the once maleable–the plump beginning to mature, succumbing to gravity. I welcome it; the changes to a body that must naturally change.
I’m also working with the difference in my needs. I have been reigning in the socializing and getting rid of unnecessary, fruitless relationships so that I could identify and develop what I really want and need in my life. Out with the childishness of blame and lack of ownership and in with acceptance of true responsibility and love for myself will all help me in the long run.
The tree is up because one day I just wanted it to be. I decorated it by myself (as I did last year) and got it ready just in time for Thanksgiving. I must admit that this year’s hosting of Turkey Day didn’t turn out quite as favorable as I’d hoped. There were a few snafus and it just made me realize that I didn’t enjoy hosting this year. So I made a bold statement to my family that I would no longer “host” any celebrations. No Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no New Year’s. It was a hard decision to make because by proclaiming this, I was doing away with our family’s traditions. But I know that this is best for me.
The steps I have to take, although seemingly icy and treacherous, will be the best for me.
I used to be skeptical of others who retreated from “busy” lives and who rejected social media. But I now know that these distractions are very problematic and can invite some negative elements into a peaceful life. In fact, for many years I gave to others thinking that somehow I was enriching their lives when I was really just enabling them. I also wrongfully believed that giving more than I could stand to give (typical martyrdom) was somehow more beneficial to me. I thought I was somehow more evolved or better than others as this self-sacrifice was proof. Wrong! All it did was make me needlessly suffer and again it would go unnoticed or unappreciated.
Creating as a form of therapy:
I continue to engage in what I’ve always enjoyed. While my letterwriting isn’t all that meaty, the artwork makes up for it. I keep on creating envelopes (envies) that fit designs, ideas and concepts that I wish to pursue. Creatively, I do need to make more of a quiet space to expand my thoughts because some ideas are brimming to the surface but not quite realized.
I am blessed to have another year in which to continue pursuing all that makes me happy. With Grace, Peace and Love.