I suppose I should say that everyone should aspire to these goals and elevate to become aware of what drives them.
But I don’t think like regular people.
I prefer a less-travelled route, one with less declarations and more value. The generous infinity pool that my mind cannot at all conjure even in my wildest imaginings. It is the place where I don’t have any thoughts or input at all.
This is really hard for most people to understand. They want to believe that they can steer the ship or at least stand at the helm and tie a tautline hitch that they can adjust on a whim. But life has a way of making unexpected waves and when the wind picks up, you better hold on…I don’t care how secure you think the line is.
The other day, I was so sure I was headed in the right direction. I was sure because I was making plans, scheduling appointments, executing on every item on my daily “To-Do” list and it resulted in a full scale panic attack.
At times like these, I did one of the things I know to do: I called my mother. She was soothing and helpful even as I bawled my eyes out reeling in a despair I couldn’t name, feeling as though I’d been shoved into the ocean without a life preserver. She talked me down and I am grateful but it revealed more to me about how predictable I still am and how I really need to get out of my own way.
Hay Que Barrer (Translation: We Must Sweep):
Post Grief, you may think that you have everything under control. You are no longer a ball of raw emotions fighting against the current. You float. You drift. But then when you reach land, you have to get to all of the ordinary things that you’d been neglecting done. You have to get up and cook, wash clothes, iron…and sweep.
The very act of sweeping is not just therapeutic, but it is also a form of meditation because it doesn’t require any heavy thinking. Maybe you’ll look up from the floor and make a conscious decision to sweep in the left corner or underneath the sofa, but these are just momentary instructions to plan out where you’re going to sweep next. When you’re actually doing it, you really shouldn’t be thinking of anything at all. You’re just moving a broom back and forth (and no, you’re not cheating with a Roomba, okay?).
This time, I didn’t have to literally sweep my home. What I had to do was figuratively sweep my “inner” home. I needed to gently brush against the floor of my heart chamber to clear out the cobwebs.
Even though time has passed, I realize that I am still at the mercy of the universe and it’s plans. Spiritually speaking, I realize that God has my back and graced me with Love but He is always giving me lessons in order to help me across the ocean and lead me to shore.
I recently watched the Disney movie, Moana which mirrored what I was feeling. Moana may ask the ocean for help, but it doesn’t interfere unless she had attempted to do something herself. Like God, the ocean only helps those that…well, help themselves!
So why was I seemingly accomplishing SO MUCH, checking off every box and still feeling so lousy and weepy and disjointed and disillusioned and frustrated and all those dissonant feelings?
I was getting in my own way. All of this time spent on defining my passion and finding my purpose only served to leave me lost and cast adrift.
What I Learned Watching Swans:
Look at these Graceful creatures…Do you see them worried or freaking out about global warming? Are they exhaustively writing their congressmen and attending town hall meetings? Are they immersed in endless circular chatter with other more opinionated swans that goes nowhere?
I may observe the reflection that they make on the water. Occasionally, they may honk. Yet, when I look at them, I admire their peace.
Until then, I have to stop trying to be a swan when I’m clearly a duck. I have to accept things just as they are and not plow forward in the hopes that it’ll lead me to really big words like, Passion! And, Purpose! Because knowing me, I’ll just be so focused on these that I’ll miss the GIANT ICEBERG in front of me.
And we all know even “unsinkable” ships sometimes succumb, but oh the treasures that rise to the surface…